Six Different Types of 35 Year Old Men

Now of course Hilarity In Shoes did not leave the men out. She also has a post that describe the types of men. Check it out!

(See the ladies get their typecasting with Seven Types of 35-Year-Old Women)

1.  The Unicorn

The Unicorn is totally normal and well-adjusted.  He has a good job, and makes a decent living, but is not a workaholic.  He likes his family, but doesn’t live with them.  He is funny, and well-informed, and cooks a mean pasta bolognese.  He has friends from all periods of his life with whom he is still in touch.  He is not an alcoholic, drug abuser, or porn addict.  He reads.  He is easy on the eyes, or even hot.  He is taller than you.  The Unicorn longs wistfully to meet his special someone, to lay his head in your lap to watch HBO on Sunday night after a weekend full of chores and friends and family, and to wake up with you on Monday mornings in perpetuity.

The most important thing to know about The Unicorn is that, as his name implies, he does not exist.

2.  The Married Guy

Look away from The Married Guy.  He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune, or cheating, in which case you should concentrate your energy on hoping he falls down and breaks his ankle, at a minimum.   Either way, he is not for you. Don’t give him a chance to flirt with you, even at a wedding; it will only erode your faith in humanity that much more.

The most important thing to know about The Married Guy is that he is already married and therefore nonexistent, as far as you’re concerned.

3.  The Eeyore

Poor Eeyore.  Some woman done him wrong, and he can’t get over it.  Maybe it was a divorce, maybe just a non-contractual broken heart, but either way he can’t love again because it just hurts. too. much.  He sure can mope, though.  He lives somewhere grim and bland, with unadorned white walls and no headboard.  The bulk of his emotional energy goes to nursing his great scabby wound, carefully enlarging it day by day.  Eeyore may perk up for a bit when he meets you, because even forlorn people get horny, but he can’t be happy with you long-term because he cannot be happy.  If your cup of love and affection truly runneth over, feel free to unload some into the gaping maw of Eeyore’s unhappiness.  You won’t get it back, but perhaps that will lighten the load for the rest of your journey.

The most important thing to know about Eeyore is that you can’t fix him, but you can waste a lot of time trying.  No seriously, you can’t fix him.  For real.

4.  The Peter Pan

Oh, Peter.  He is so cute in those tights.  His childlike enthusiasm for life helps you unearth the old, fun you, who stayed up drinking until the bars closed and talking until the sun came up.  Sadly the old you, like the current Peter, did not have a job that required leading staff meetings at 9 a.m. At some point in your relationship with Peter, you will remember the benefits of 8 hours of sleep and sufficient hydration, and you will gradually become the buzz kill who starts tapping her foot impatiently when Peter orders another round at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday, or worse yet the fuming harpy lying rigid with fury as you wait for him to stumble into the house at last call.

The most important thing to know about The Peter Pan is that he can’t resist something shiny, and eventually you will become dull, what with the desire to sleep at night and the full-time job.  Best chance with Peter is to meet him when you are 25 and perhaps grow up together.   Wave bon voyage to that ship, for it has sailed.

5.  Mr. Saturday Night

Mr. Saturday Night is a big success.  He has a closet full of Ben Sherman shirts and if he doesn’t yet own a bespoke suit, rest assured that he soon will.   Mr. Saturday Night smells good and drives a nice car, which he valet-parks with assurance at trendy restaurants.  He owns a well-furnished condo in a high-rise, with black leather modular furniture and an unused kitchen.  With his carefully mussed hair, gym membership, and back slapping affability, Mr. Saturday Night is half overgrown frat boy and half metrosexual, but all narcissist.  He’s a good date if you like wearing heels and drinking martinis in places that are always a bit too loud, and don’t mind spending weeknights alone while he works late and gladhands with business associates.

The most important thing to know about Mr. Saturday Night is that he will look almost as good at 45 as he does at 35, and it’s then that he will marry the smart, attractive, and blonde-highlighted type of 30-year-old that you were five years ago.

6.  The Braying Ass

Not to be confused with poor Eeyore, The Braying Ass is single at 35 for reasons that he can’t quite discern but you readily can.  He condescends to waiters, interrupts your sentences, elicits a weary if wincing acceptance from colleagues, and has a little too much body hair to be overlooked in light of his other bad traits.  The Braying Ass subscribes to Maxim.  He is confident for no good reason.  He is a little too close to his mother, who loves him with a fierce and unsettling passion.  He has an annoying, honking laugh, but nice eyes and a good heart.

The most important thing to know about The Braying Ass is that he is not ideal, but he actually looks pretty good in some lights.  Some of his bad traits are just habits that can be reversed in time, but some run far deeper, and you will be cringing about them at dinner parties ten years from now.  Make that 40 years if your kids inherit them.

Gentlemen, where do you fall on this list? What are your thoughts? Ladies, do you agree with her assessment the different types of men? Do share!



Posted on April 13, 2012, in Guest Posts, Love & Relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I have been calling my boyfriend “Peter Pan” for about a year now! We are 24, so we are young enough that he can still get away with it. His serving job allows for him to go out for drinks at 10:30 on a Wednesday night, but I am a teacher and therefore need to be in bed around then. It’s not ideal, but I don’t mind our schedules terribly now. However, my hope is that my “Peter Pan” will grow up a bit in the next couple years!


    • Thank you for stopping by and commenting! Yes you and your Peter Pan still have time but you guys are still young. Enjoy life and have fun. Most definitely hope he will grow up in the next couple years or he will end up being the 35 year old Peter Pan which is not cool LOL!!!


  2. rockthedesigner

    I think this is bullshit fodder for all the garbage and crap that is wrong with our society at the moment, especially as those problems relate to dating. Hey, women, you want your man to have a “good” job? wake up and smell the fucking coffee that keeps the men with “good” jobs going, cause honey, lemme tell you, in this economy a good job is the one I’ve got which requires an 80 hour work week, and yes maybe even a little “glad handing” at work, because lets face it, if you tell all your coworkers and bosses to fuck off, you can kiss that “good” job good-bye. I fit the bill of the “unicorn” as close as anybody gets and lemme break your little false argument down to reality: the “unicorn” doesn’t exist, not because all guys are inherently “broken” or “braying- assholes” but because it is a set of conditions so contradictory, that they cannot exist, except for in fantasy land. The fact that this list even exists is testament to the fact that women these days care about every little stereotype and superficial quality in a man to the behest of all beautiful and inspiring real ones staring them right in the face.

    1.) You want well adjusted… you just ruled out a lot of great artists and creative types I know that make fantastic husbands and fathers already and are often extremely successful.
    2.) Good job, decent, living, not workaholic… so, a job where you are paid like a workaholic, without actually having to be one? what is this amazing career I haven’t heard of? Is it called being and heir?
    3.) Likes family, doesn’t live with them… Who do you know who sat around and said, man my parents are awful, I better stay with them a little more?
    4.) Funny & well informed & a good cook… congratulations on finding the three personality traits that are the most contradictory. Have you read a funny person’s report card?
    5.) Has friends from all periods of life… ok, I actually know a group of dudes I went to high school with, that still crack the same jokes with each other. guess what, it’s the fucking saddest goddam thing ever.
    6.) Doesn’t abuse alcohol, pot, or porn… pretty sure that leaves ghandi left in the running, thats about it.
    7.) Easy on the eyes… that explains how he has this amazing job. he’s a model!
    8.) Taller than you… Hey short guy, good job on getting good looks, a fantasy job, the perfect family and living situation, little to no vices, a highly developed social network, and the first totally contradictory set of personality traits. Sorry to inform you however, that despite having all this, you just don’t measure up. Quite literally. too bad that wasn’t superficial and shallow.
    9.) Watch hbo after a weekend of chores and family… a.) sleep trumps hbo after that crazy weekend. b.) to get to be this mythical creature, you might actually have to spend your time on something other than television. Sorry woman, welcome to the real world. c.) what if I like the discovery Chanel?


    • Well hello Mr. Rockthedesigner! Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog. I’m glad something peaked your interest. The next thing is you are way to over the top about this post. It isn’t that deep! This is intended to be humorous. I’m glad you had a lot to say about it. You are more than welcome to leave comments or even have a difference of opinion, but you are not allowed to make insults. Let’s keep this a friendly place where we share our differences. Have a good day!

      P.S. Where’s your sense of humor?Lighten up!


  1. Pingback: The Story of Life! « The Chaotic Soul

Show me love and share your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: