I was catching up on my Marie Claire magazines when I came across an article in the March 2013 issue. The article is “The Seven Types of FWBs”. It basically outlines the different types of friend with benefits relationships that exist. Now I’m a bit perplexed because this causal relationship has evolved into many things.
This list originated from a study conducted by Arizona State University and Northern Illinois University. It was published in the Journal of Sex Research. Check it out list!
1. True Friends (what we call TF)
Academic Definition: An important friend considered a safe sexual partner.
Translation: You actually want to hang out with him with your clothes on.
My translation: This is the original friends with benefits!
2. Just Sex (JS)
Academic Definition: Other than sexual encounters, little interaction occurs.
Translation: You only talk to him after 11 p.m.
My translation: Everyone knows this is a booty call! #cuttybuddy
3. Network Opportunism (NO)
Academic Definition: Friends whose shared network allows them to interact, typically while consuming alcohol.
Translation: He’s your end-of-the-party default option.
My translation: One Night Stand!
4. Successful Transition (ST)
Academic Definition: Intentionally and effectively using an FWB to initiate a romantic relationship.
Translation: Through your wit and charm, you’ve turned it into a real thing.
My translation: Don’t hate the player; just hate the game!
5. Unintentional Transition (UT)
Academic Definition: An FWB leads to a romantic relationship, although it was not the original intent.
Translation: Whoops! He’s your accidental boyfriend.
My translation: A Situationship gone Right!
6. Failed Transition (FT)
Academic Definition: One or both partners attempted, unsuccessfully, to generate a romantic transition.
Translation: You’re heartbroken (or he is)… And now you’re having heartbreak sex.
My translation: #EPIC Fail! or A Situationship gone Wrong!
7. Transition Out (TO)
Academic Definition: Sexual interactions between partners from a terminated romantic relationship.
Translation: Your halfhearted breakup sex lasts for months.
My translation: Too damn complicated! Stop while you’re ahead!
I guess causal relationships have become a little more complex. It seems like it would be little less complicated to be in an exclusive relationship. Then again causal relationships originated because people want no strings attached relationships. Whatever the case may be……Know your relationship status!
What’s you current relationship status? Which FWB are you? Is there another type of FWB that should be added?
The beginning stages of dating or developing a relationship can be tough at times. When you meet a guy that you like, you try to figure out of he’s into. Men can be hard to read at times. One thing’s for certain is that it isn’t hard to figure out if he’s NOT into you. After talking to various guys, reading articles, and life experiences, I have compiled a list of signs that will be helpful in deciphering whether he’s into.
1. He calls you on a regular or when he says he will call.
Guys generally don’t enjoy talking on the phone. If he calls you often chances are he enjoys talking to you.
2. He’s attentive and thoughtful.
When he likes you, he will make an effort to show you. He will plan fun things for you to do together. He will pull out all the stops to impress you. If he sends a quick sweet text when he’s working or super busy that’s a sign that he’s thinking of you.
3. He looks at you a lot.
You know when you catch him looking at you and he quickly looks away. Sometimes he will gaze at you for a long period of time. We are sometimes guilty of this as women also. You’ve seen it before.
4. He listens to you.
When a guy is interested in what you have to say and genuinely seeks your opinion, he’s into you. He will make you part of the conversation and he will definitely not make it all about him.
5. He wants you to meet other people his life.
When a guy is into you, he will talk about you to his friends and he will want you to meet them . He will want you to be a part of his inner circle. He may invite you to work functions. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t meet the parents right away. That will eventually come. There’s no timetable for that. Each guy is different in that retrospect.
6. He remembers the corny and quirky things you say or do.
If he smiles or chuckle at your silly shenanigans, he thinks you’re funny and cute.
7. He wants to spend every moment with you.
When a guy likes you, he will want to spend time with you. He will make the effort to take you on a date and do things that you like to do. He will definitely court you and not treat you as a booty call.
8. He shares or shows you things that he hasn’t shared with anyone else.
Men usually don’t open up about things like women. If he shares or expresses things consider that a plus.
9. He touches you.
When I say this I don’t mean sexually. When you are together and he touches your hand, arm, leg, or knee is a good sign he likes you.
10. He will watch a chick flick or a lifetime movie with you.
If it doesn’t bother him or he doesn’t complain about watching the latest chick flick, that’s a definitely a sign he wants to be near you. Let’s face it! He could be watching a game or boxing.
This list can go on and on. However, these are just a few signs to look for when trying to figure out if a man is into you.
What other signs should be added to the list?
I was just thinking it’s Back to School Time. The summer is about to end and football season will begin soon. This made me think about the fun times of spring and summer. The time when the ladies show off those freshly shaved legs and cute pedicures. Shorts, sundresses, rompers are the trend of the season. Not to mention, rockin the cute shades and sexy swimsuits. It’s enough to send the men into a feeding frenzy! Oh and the men are showing off those rock hard abs and beautiful arms. Their hair is always freshly cut and some love to rock those fedoras. The confidence and the swag they have is overwhelmingly sexy. Let the battle of the sexes begin! Everyone is on the prowl for a………
So ladies if your man started acting up after Valentine’s Day, blame it on the warm temperatures and blooming flowers. He probably didn’t want to be tied down in a relationship. Why bring sand to the beach? And fellas if your woman has lost a few extra pounds and asked for space, more than likely she wanted to add a few numbers to her little black book. It’s something about that spring fever and summer madness that makes everyone crazy. Well if you are still with your man or woman then hopefully you added a little sizzle to relationship because it is definitely hot out there. I do mean literally and figuratively 🙂
Let’s talk about Spring Fling! What is a Spring Fling anyway? Well according to the urban dictionary it is a casual relationship between two persons who are attracted to one another. This can involve puppy love, sex, or perhaps just “hooking up”. It can also refer to a fling that takes place during the named season. (Btw………..Spring is when most animals mate!) With that being said, if you meet a guy or girl during a Spring Festival, Spring Break or, Spring Getaway it may not be your soul mate.It just may be someone to kick it with during the three most beautiful months of the year. If it does evolve into a wonderful romance……….then you are one of the lucky ones. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with having a Spring Fling. Sometimes this happens after a long romance that went sour or when you have been totally stressed with school, work, or both. There are quite a few ladies that aren’t comfortable with the idea of a Spring Fling for various reasons. I say go ahead girl and do your thing………………. You only live once! Besides men have done this shit for years. You may have been a Spring Fling and didn’t know it. For example, have you ever started a romance and it was going well and you guys were having fun and then within 3-6 months it’s over. I hate to break it to you but you were a Spring Fling.
Now what about Summer Lovin? It’s a sexual adventure free of hassles, commitments or drama, timed for the summer only. It’s not just limited to sex. Summer Lovin is something light and fun-filled with nothing to worry about at the end of the season. It’s usually not exclusive to one person and ends in a mutual agreement of friendship. This takes me back to Sandy and Danny in the movie Grease. Oh don’t act like you don’t remember the movie! They had a summer fling that evolved into a complicated relationship by the fall and winter, partly because of the infamous “representative” Danny put on during the summer. Now granted they did get it worked out and they fell in love and drove off into the sunset. It doesn’t happen that way all the time but you can still enjoy Summer Lovin and not be attached or exclusive. Ladies, I know that we want our flings and lovin to end this way but let’s stop kidding ourselves. Life isn’t a fairy tale and we are not Cinderella. Can we have a happy ending? Hell Yes!! But we can also live in the moment, have fun, and just maybe create our own happy ending. Think about it like this…….you are looking good and it’s summer time. You have three carefree months of not being stuck in a serious relationship but all the perks of one with just a little Spring Fling and Summer Lovin!
So go ahead girlfriend and just Enjoy Yourself like Michael Jackson says. Live your life off the wall. You’ll be happy you did and you will definitely have great memories. If the men can do it, so can we!
Have you ever had a spring fling or summer romance? How did it end? Did you enjoy it? Would you do it again?
Stay tuned for the Fall Kiss and Winter Cuddle follow-up!
- The Rules of a Spring Fling (surishruti.wordpress.com)
There comes a time when you must step back and re-examine the situation you are in. We tend to stay in a relationship simply because of the years that have been invested in it or we tend to hold on to the thought of a certain relationship because of the years that were invested. Hoping for the possibility of a reunion. We become complacent because it is familiar or it doesn’t require growth or change. We don’t want to open ourselves to the possibility of something new.
For the one that says oh we’ve been together for years. Our families are involved. The question for you is at what point do you stop and think about what’s keeping you from progressing to the next level. Is it distance, time, fear,or complacency? Is it work, school, or money? All those things can be changed but you must be willing. You say I’m in love with him/her. He’s my rock. She’s a good woman. I don’t know what the future holds for us. What’s the problem? There’s a need to re-examine the relationship. You’re not getting any younger. That’s real talk!
For the one that’s holding on to the possibility of reconnecting with that one great love. The question is what is keeping you apart from each other. Why aren’t you making it happen? Why are you holding on to the idea and not making it a reality? Is it fear, stubbornness, procrastination? You say he/she will always be my one true love. What the problem? Again I say there’s a need to re-examine the relationship. Time does not wait for any one.
Perhaps during the re-examination you will find that the only thing you are holding on to are all of those years. That really and truly, the love has faded and there is no turning back. Maybe you have outgrown each other. There could very well be someone new staring you in the face but you’re too blinded by the old love. Then again maybe you will discover that you can’t be without that person and do something to reclaim the lost love or rekindle the flame. You will never know until you take time to re-examine the relationship. Communication is the key. It would be such a pity to let love slip right through your fingers. It would also be such a shame to let a wonderful opportunity pass you by.
That’s my truth about dating!
Have you ever been afraid to end a relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together? Have you ever become complacent in a relationship?
It’s been a while been a while since I’ve posted about some of my random truths or falsities about dating 🙂 I’ve been bogged down in dissertation shiggity. Chapter 2 (the Lit Review) is no joke. The deadlines have been mad crazy and the professor/editor is a beast with the red pen. I get comments like……..Truthseeker, your writing is great but double-check your APA and cite everything. Hello….What the hell do you think I have been doing?!?!? The entire paper is full of citations because I can’t share my own ideas at this point. All I do is research, read, write, and cite. Ok I digress……….. The light is slowly peeping through the tunnel.
This is what my life is like at the moment.
I will be back soon with some random ish about dating but for now I want to share a site with you. This guy over at The Black Dating Blog, recently published a post titled “Top 100
Family, Marriage, and Relationship Blogs for African-Americans”. The Truth About Dating is on the list 🙂 I applaud him for pulling together a list of bloggers with different perspectives. Please go check it out: http://www.bestblackdatingsites.org/top-100-family-marriage-and-relationship-blogs-for-african-americans/ Thank you Joseph Atkins!
Don’t forget to send your burning dating questions to email@example.com. Answers will be posted on Fridays. Also if you have a Truth About Dating Story you want to share, please do. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Don’t you just hate when a person disappears out of your life without a reason or warning? One minute things are going well and then the next minute POOF they are gone. They leave you with a lot of unanswered questions and the closure you so desperately like to have. Closure in a relationship is very important but it’s something that you don’t get in many relationships. It is very hard when a relationship suddenly ends but it is even more difficult when you don’t know the reasons. Getting that closure is tough but it is attainable. It may not be the way you would like to have it. You can most certainly get to happy if you try.
…………………..Of course I have a story for you. Check it out!
I have a sister friend who met a wonderful guy and they had instant chemistry. They talked on the phone, sent text messages, and instant messaged constantly. They went on several dates. They really enjoyed each other’s company. It was the start of a lovely relationship. About a month into the relationship, my friend had to have surgery. The guy was so wonderful and supportive. When her mom left a week after the surgery, the guy made sure he was available to help her recover. He came and sat with her and fed her soup. He told her she was beautiful even though she looked horrible. He made sure she took her medicine and completed her daily cleaning. After 2 weeks the doctor told her she could resume her normal routine. She was happy and the guy was really happy. He prepared a celebration dinner for her at his place. She was back to her old self. She wore a skirt and a sexy top. She also wore her hair curly the way he liked it. They had an awesome time! After such an awesome time, they started discussing being exclusive. They continued to see each other and spend time together. This lasted about 3 months and then the dreaded day happened.
One day while my friend was at work, the guy called her during her break. She missed the called; however she called him back and didn’t get an answer. The day went on and night came, she noticed he hadn’t called her back. She decided to call him again because it wasn’t like him to not call. Still no answer. Days went by and still nothing. She was wondering what could have happened. A week later she noticed he deleted her as a friend from his MySpace page. She couldn’t believe it. She was sad, angry, and hurt all at the same time. He left her with a lot of unanswered questions. How could someone just stop all contact without an explanation? She went over and over it in her mind. She and other friends tried to come up with explanations but couldn’t. She just could not understand what made him disappear. She desperately needed and wanted closure. She knew she had to get past this so she could get on with her life but it was just too damn hard. She finally decided to cleanse herself by sending him an email. She let it all out. He didn’t respond but she felt better and she was able to move forward.
There are times in our lives when relationships end unexpectedly, whether it’s a significant other or friendship. Not having that closure can really have an impact but is it really necessary to have closure? Your questions may not ever get answered or you may never get that final conversation or goodbye. There are ways to move on even if you don’t have closure.
1. Acceptance. Accept that it is over is a very important step.
2. Write a letter/email. This is a good way to get it all out. You can choose to send it or not.
3. Change of scenery. This is good for reflection and gaining a new perspective.
4. Forgiveness. This is very difficult to do but it is so necessary for future relationships.
There is no magic formula for getting closure but you can get back to happy!
Has someone ever ended a relationship with you without closure? Is it necessary to have closure? What are your thoughts?
- Closures (petralovecoach.com)
“I’m not only a client, I’m the Player President”-Notorious BIG
I know it’s been a while but let’s have another moment of silence for Tiger Woods. No, he isn’t dead, but Tiger didn’t understand the Hierarchy. Had he called Peter Black, he’d probably have more major championships. 🙂
The Wifey is atop all others. Over the years Wifey earned stripes by putting in work. She’s ride or die, Bonnie to any Clyde. Wifey crosses all “T’s” and dots all “I’s”. She takes care of you and runs the ship in your absence. Wifey is platinum and should never be traded in for Gold or Silver. Because of her status, there’s an emotional attachment and above all else, Wifey comes first.
Boo is second and will always be no matter what she does. Boo knows about Wifey and aspires to be her. You spend time with Boo when Wifey is being a %$#@!. I never said Wifey was perfect. LOL Boo gets a daily text and phone call, quality time when Wifey goes out-of-town or when there’s a temporary split with Wifey. Boo has good qualities just not enough to be Wifey. Warning, proceed with caution. Because Boo wants to be Wifey, she may one day attempt a coup, destroying everything in her path.
3. Jump Off
The Jump Off is a great role player and understands the intricacies of the hierarchy. Minimal contact is needed with the Jump Off as she comes off the bench when the game is out of control. When Wifey is being a &^%$# and Boo is acting an ass, because she’s not Wifey, you call the Jump Off. The Jump Off knows about the Wifey but not about Boo. Accordingly, the Jump Off thinks she’s the Boo. The Jump Off is willing to do anything, anytime, anywhere, not quite friends with benefits but a little more than cut buddies.
4. In Rotation
If you’re not the Wifey, Boo, or Jump Off, you’re in rotation. Outside of the occasional quickie you’re nonexistent. The rotation is normally comprised of ex-Wifeys, ex-Boos and ex-Jump Offs.
Ladies, clearly Peter Black felt the need to be humorous in this post. However, we have a hierarchy of men too! Check out my rebuttal to Peter’s post http://wp.me/p1FYfJ-hu In the meantime, let’s indulge Peter Black………..Where do you fall?
About the Author:
Peter Black aka Benghazi dons a panoramic outlook, giving him a unique hue. He is a full-fledged libertarian, living life according to his own terms. Rocked since birth, Peter has Rock Star DNA and is well-traveled. Born in the South and raised by his mother, he’s a Southern Gentleman but has an affinity for the East Coast. Peter enjoys the creative process and when he’s not blogging, he’s creating projects for his You Tube channel.
- Are You a Wife or a Wifey? Take This Quiz to Find Out (everythinggl.com)
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What are your holiday plans?
“Is it the way you love me?”- Jill Scott
Sitting quietly, I’ve found, is hard for most. We get into our cars, automatically adjusting the radio dial, the volume so high it drowns our thoughts. My mother lives in a four-bedroom house, each with a television blaring toxic propaganda. If you stand in the hallway, eyes closed, it sounds like the bustle of Time Square.
That being said, I do my best thinking in silence, solving problems, epiphanies seemingly falling from the sky. I’m stirring the contents of my Lean Cuisine, wishing I could tell you my state of contemplation is voluntary. But it’s not. I’m in the #$#@*&^ doghouse again! L
Earlier, Jasmine asked me to hang artwork her mother gave her as a birthday gift. While we don’t live together, it sure feels like it. She has a picture of me beside her bed; I have a spare key, a drawer in the bathroom, hangers, manly soap and a blue toothbrush. In retrospect, I think those things are more for her than for me. LOL!
Jasmine gets home about three and it was ten after when I heard the door open. I was at the computer, doing what most people do, updating my Facebook account. “Peter!” I heard. Jasmine’s screech struck a nerve. I waited a minute before responding. In fact, it was a full minute before I moved.
I timidly walked down the hall. Jasmine met me in the bedroom, the artwork still on the floor where I left it. From my viewpoint, hanging shirts is a bit much, so, you know I wasn’t motivated. The workout, which is inhumanely strenuous, balancing, arms stretching wide, overextending your core, measuring this and holding that, seems to outweigh the pleasure of having the piece hung.
“What,” I asked, shoulders shrugged upward.
“Damn it Peter! You said you were going to hang the pictures!”
I stared blankly. It was my day off and you know how it goes. A little Maury, a little Jerry, a little Judge Brown and before you know it, it’s three o’clock.
“What’s with you?” Jasmine asked, grinding her teeth. “I don’t ask for much. Do I?” It was true, Jasmine didn’t ask for much. She didn’t associate love with gifts, for which I’m most thankful. Honestly, I couldn’t be with someone like that.
The silence made me a bit nervous. It’s funny but I prefer the wild tongue-lashing. Somewhere in the middle of the rage, Jasmine tells me why she’s angry, which leads to a frantic apology I’m not proud of.
“You just don’t get it, do you Peter?”
“But…” I started.
She cut me off. “You don’t love me.” Jasmine screamed. “You did the same thing last week.” She grabbed her purse and within seconds Jasmine was gone, the door slamming behind her.
How could that be, I thought? Me, not love Jasmine? I paid the cell phone bill, cut the grass and cleaned the garage without asking. I replayed last week, sighing regretfully. I missed her presentation she gave at a small luncheon. That couldn’t be it. She said me not being there was okay.
All the lights were off and as the sun set the house darkened. No Jasmine and she hadn’t called. I went to the freezer, removing the meatloaf and mashed potatoes Lean Cuisine. I wasn’t hungry but managed a few bites.
The microwave was ineffective as usual, cold in the middle and smoldering lava on the edges. I stirred until the contents gelled. As I chewed, what tasted like saw dust, I contemplated. The microwave heated the food but not to my content. The Lean Cuisine, as far as calories went, was what I wanted but it tasted horribly.
I don’t suggest being in the doghouse but sometimes it helps. J Jasmine had every right to be upset. I, like the microwave and Lean Cuisine, fell short. The things I didn’t do were important to her, demonstrating, at least to Jasmine, I didn’t love her. However, I love her, just not THE WAY she wants. Being loved is important and something we all desire. Make sure you love him/her the way they want to be loved.
Are you being loved the way you want to be loved? Are you loving your significant other the way they want to be loved?
About the author:
Peter Black aka Benghazi don’s a panoramic outlook, giving him a unique hue. He is a full-fledged libertarian, living life according to his own terms. Rocked since birth, Peter has Rock Star DNA and is well-traveled. Born in the South and raised by his mother, he’s a Southern Gentleman but has an affinity for the East Coast. Peter enjoys the creative process and when he’s not blogging, he’s creating projects for his You Tube channel.
A commenter shared her story after reading my blog post Friends With Benefits vs Cut Buddies. FWBs are so relevant now. More and more, people find themselves entangled in this type of relationship. Instead of me sharing my thoughts about the situation, Peter Black has decided to give his male perspective.
Comment: Confused…I have what I believe is an fwb relationship except for the fact that the guy says we only see each other and no one else and calls me his girlfriend, he wants no emotional attachment and no future just wants to be in the moment. We have been dating (or whatever this is) for 5 months and he is also very jealous. When I approached him with my confusion his response was “do you think i should be going ga-ga over you?” How do you have a non-emotional relationship with someone who wants nothing more than to have fun, dinners, hanging out holidays together and we both have children that also are part of this relationship we do stuff with them and still call it fwb? I am fine with the fwb relationship just confused on what he wants from this since I don’t get any answers. Men really are from another planet I think, lol
Confuse: [kuh n-fyooz] to fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake; confound:
Dear Ms. Confused
Thank you on two fronts. First, thank you for following The Truth About Dating. Without readers, blogging is simply talking to one’s self. 🙂 Second, it takes courage to leave a comment, exposing you and your situation. We applaud your effort and again we say thank you!
It’s been 5 months, you’re confused, somewhat emotionally attached and I can see why. The actions or the things you two do go beyond the organic definition of friends with benefits, in particularly exclusivity. While you and he have a fantastic modified version of friends with benefits, it’s still like leaving the milk out of the frig; it’s going to go bad.
To avoid the disastrous ending, at least for you, seek clarity in two areas, confirming the status and the direction in which things are headed. I know. I know. You’ve asked before and he hasn’t responded. However, try this approach. Let him know your questioning is not an attempt at marriage or a long-term commitment. Tell him you’re asking out of respect, as you don’t want to disrespect him in any way like having him see you out on a date with another person.
For now you’re satisfied. But, who knows what may come in the next 5 months, hopefully more benefits with your new friend. 🙂 However, remember, be honest with yourself and him, acknowledging when things have changed and you begin to want more.
Are there any other words of encouragement for confused? Please share!